Maybe we all have this problem, but sometimes I feel like I'm swelling up with so much potential that it kills me that I haven't done more with my life. I've literally tried and gotten bored out of my mind in EVERY SINGLE CLASS I've taken. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I'm a misunderstood genius with nothing left to learn, but when you start a major or start in a new school, you have to understand that the basics need to come before the more extensive learning.
And I hate the basics.
It's probably because I've done the basics of most things already in my highschool and early college days that having to redo so much course work that I found boring the first time around stops me from caring. I don't have enough patience for it, none at all really. I've tried so hard to love my major, to see that as the direction I'm headed in life... and then BAM I hit a wall. I have a deep fear of these walls, and rather than breaking it down I head in a completely different direction.
I'm afraid of excelling, because I'm a debbie downer, and before I even get my feet off the ground I confince myself that I'd be better of just quitting before someone tells me that I can't do it. And lets be honest, I never really loved any of my majors enough to dedicate a degree to it. (And I'm also awful at doing homework...oops)
I'm 22 and slowly realizing that you can't stand around waiting for life to come find you, that's just not how life works. So I made a list of careers I'd be interested in working once out of college and came across 2 majors that I could give some dedication to.
Acting and Editing and Publishing
They are two very different roads in life, and both take a serious amount of dedication, preserverence and confidence. I'm lacking all those things in my life as it already is, you might say, but here's the thing, some of the majors I've done were just so easy, I didn't need to have those qualities because it was so easy to coast through. Acting would be an art that would never stop challenging me, and would be so far out of my comfort zone that I would have to rise to the occasion... and I will. Not because I believe that I have some talent that is yet to be discovered but because the idea of getting to be all kinds of different poeople is so tempting. Don't we all just want to leave our skins every once in a while and pretend to be someone else? I do. I want to be inspired and portray the inspiration, I want confidence and dedication to prove to all those who have been negative and hurtful that I really can be something. Editing and Publishing is also quite close to my heart, because the written word flows like music through burdens and anxiety. I would love to live my life reading books and analyzing them. It would thrill me.
I have so much to work out, and yet I feel a clock ticking right beside my ear, telling me to make up my mind and to pursue something before I once again scare myself out of it. If you asked me who had dissapointed me the most in this world, I would sadly answer "Me, I am my own worst enemy."
Well that's it for today, I'll keep you updated on my journey through the ups and downs of growing up with no plan
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Finding Your Niche In The World
I'm not really sure anyone will ever read this, but being able to put my thoughts and feelings out there feels so liberating. Sometimes you hold so much inside your soul that eventually it creates cracks and poisons that makes living a happy life near impossible. So today I start a journal that is out there in the world, released from the confines of my soul. For once I feel like my load is being removed from my shoulders and it's all thanks to you my invisible audience, because even though there's no one there it feels like your talking to someone when you start a blog. Anyway, I'm going to get started on talking about whats on my mind and the journey I take through these next couple of years.
Let me introduce myself, I'm Alexis, a 22 year old college drop out trying to find her way in the world. Since I was very little I had an aversion to school and a difficulty in making friends. I was constantly the outsider always jealous of those who found social scenarios easy and fun. As I got older it became easier for me to be comfortable around people but it was still work, and even to this day I feel as though I don't give people the real me, only a mask... because who really wants anyone to peel back that mask? Not me, that's for sure. Because that gives them the power to break me, and having had that happen once before I honestly fear letting it happen again.
When I was 16 through 18 I met an older man at the place I was working. He was the big man on campus and everyone had a little thing for him. I was 16 and fell for those charms and the attention that he seemed to give me... Only now do I realize that it was always in secret and that he had started winding a thick net of manipulation around my nieve mind. We started with kissing and rapidly went beyond my comfort zone. I was scared and confused but so happy that he liked me best of all. I remember asking to stop and having to just back down because he never stopped. As the years went on he chipped away what had once been so bright within me, my idea of self.
I never really got over what happened, and only this past year even recalled it happening. I had started getting rather severe seizures and a bed wetting problem as the memories resurfaced (I later found out from my parents that the bed wetting had happened alot when I was 16). My body let me alleviate my stress with those seizures, I would wake up after one and feel all clean and new, like some evil dark presence had been lifted. Eventually the memories started to ease back in to my life little by little, and it was really the first time I was awed by the strength that humans have within themselves. Because I didn't have an avalanche of memories that would have surely destroyed what little sense of self I had left, they came slowly and eased me into the state of accepting what had happened.
Now, with this year coming to a close I feel as though I have really made leaps and bounds mentally, getting over what happened to me by myself and with barely any support. I still have an occasional flashback or a heightened emotional reaction if something reminds me too much of my past, but no more seizures and no more darkness surrounding my soul. But sadly at this point the damage that I found so hard to remember had crushed my life. I had dropped out of school and a hard time keeping a full time job, because until the moment I remembered what had happened, too much stress would trigger emotional upheavals. I resented him so much when I remembered him, because my bright future seemed so tarnished by what he had managed to do to me. But as I get through it piece by piece I feel like maybe there is still a bright future, just not on the same path as I had once imagined it would be.
So I'm going to use this blog to document my journey, wherever it might take me.
Let me introduce myself, I'm Alexis, a 22 year old college drop out trying to find her way in the world. Since I was very little I had an aversion to school and a difficulty in making friends. I was constantly the outsider always jealous of those who found social scenarios easy and fun. As I got older it became easier for me to be comfortable around people but it was still work, and even to this day I feel as though I don't give people the real me, only a mask... because who really wants anyone to peel back that mask? Not me, that's for sure. Because that gives them the power to break me, and having had that happen once before I honestly fear letting it happen again.
When I was 16 through 18 I met an older man at the place I was working. He was the big man on campus and everyone had a little thing for him. I was 16 and fell for those charms and the attention that he seemed to give me... Only now do I realize that it was always in secret and that he had started winding a thick net of manipulation around my nieve mind. We started with kissing and rapidly went beyond my comfort zone. I was scared and confused but so happy that he liked me best of all. I remember asking to stop and having to just back down because he never stopped. As the years went on he chipped away what had once been so bright within me, my idea of self.
I never really got over what happened, and only this past year even recalled it happening. I had started getting rather severe seizures and a bed wetting problem as the memories resurfaced (I later found out from my parents that the bed wetting had happened alot when I was 16). My body let me alleviate my stress with those seizures, I would wake up after one and feel all clean and new, like some evil dark presence had been lifted. Eventually the memories started to ease back in to my life little by little, and it was really the first time I was awed by the strength that humans have within themselves. Because I didn't have an avalanche of memories that would have surely destroyed what little sense of self I had left, they came slowly and eased me into the state of accepting what had happened.
Now, with this year coming to a close I feel as though I have really made leaps and bounds mentally, getting over what happened to me by myself and with barely any support. I still have an occasional flashback or a heightened emotional reaction if something reminds me too much of my past, but no more seizures and no more darkness surrounding my soul. But sadly at this point the damage that I found so hard to remember had crushed my life. I had dropped out of school and a hard time keeping a full time job, because until the moment I remembered what had happened, too much stress would trigger emotional upheavals. I resented him so much when I remembered him, because my bright future seemed so tarnished by what he had managed to do to me. But as I get through it piece by piece I feel like maybe there is still a bright future, just not on the same path as I had once imagined it would be.
So I'm going to use this blog to document my journey, wherever it might take me.
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